No, this does not mean chasing a fast turkey, Uncle Billie-Bob…
I don’t think it is worth my time to address all the cons for having to practice social distancing for your holiday traditions. For functional families, it may be very difficult to be distanced from loved ones. However, for those of us who have the courage to admit that our families are dysfunctional, our gatherings may be the best ever. First of all, within both words there is a little secret 3-letter word embedded — FUN. So why not create a new kind of fun or family tradition?
Let’s examine the wisdom and actual quotes from the Centers for Disease Control to see who is qualified to attend your family celebration. I call these suggestions the pros, each followed by a simple translation, Southern style.
1. Gatherings including meals that last longer pose more risk than shorter gatherings.
Eat fast and provide your attendees with GasX and Nexium for forthcoming gastro/intestinal events.
2. Gatherings with attendees who are not adhering to proper behavior should not be included. (Note to Uncle Billie-Bob: 60% alcohol-laced sanitizers are to be used on the skin, not down the throat.)
See you next Year, Uncle Billie-Bob. Sadly, some family trees look more like a wreath.
3. Family and friends should consider the number and rate of COVID-19 cases in their communities and in the community where they plan to celebrate when considering whether to host or attend a holiday celebration.
Call your local know-it-all or make frequent one-purchase trips to your local grocery store to discover who is sick and who is not.
4. Gatherings with attendees who are traveling from different places pose a higher risk than gatherings with attendees who live in the same area.
Bless your hearts — no out-of-towners invited this year. However, there is always a gathering of thankful folks at the Golden Corral.
5. Indoor gatherings generally pose more risk than outdoor gatherings. Indoor gatherings with poor ventilation pose more risk than those with good ventilation.
Pitch the tailgate tent.
6. Gatherings with more people pose more risk than gatherings with fewer people. The CDC does not have a limit or recommend a specific number of attendees for gatherings.
Fewer guests means less stress.
7. If you are planning in-person holiday gatherings with people outside of your household, consider asking all guests to avoid any contact with people outside of their households for 14 days before the gathering.
This requirement is a surefire way to get “regrets” or “not this year, my dear.”
Now some of you may not appreciate my take on family holiday gatherings. But some of you may be throwing confetti and cheering. Look at it like this — for all those folks who slave away in the kitchen for days creating the perfect holiday meal while praying that everyone plays pretty, this may become a guilt-free new tradition.
So, it’s not all bad, and this may be your most thankful moment to have the courage to celebrate differently — think about it.
