“Relationships! We all got ‘em, we all want ‘em. What do we do with ‘em?” Jimmy Buffett’s catchy tune ‘Fruitcakes’ brings some truth about relationships and pokes fun at us as human beings on this planet. When the barometric pressure drops with my beau, I often take to the internet to explore relationship Band-Aids or tidbits to promote harmony. Like a good fudge brownie recipe, I thought I’d share from my recipe box to help you turn up the flame when cooking together for a stronger relationship. (Feel free to clip and save — more ingredients are listed below.
Know yourself.
To create a healthy, lasting relationship, two people often do a delicate dance to find the balance between independence and partnership, self and other, and commitment versus freedom. Choreographing this dance successfully is all about finding out how to commit to another while staying true to oneself. In the Disco Era, the ‘pretzel’ was a dance move to fit what the other person was doing. In real life, twisting to be someone else — even if they like you (temporarily) — the person they like isn’t the real you. While it may seem easier to focus on someone else, any strong relationship must begin with you knowing what’s most important to you.
Self-care is essential.
Second, if you are not taking care of yourself, you won’t have much to offer to your relationship. “Self-care is a must for a healthy, balanced relationship,” said Blush Online Life Coaching CEO Kali Rogers. “Whatever you need to recharge, whether that’s painting, time with friends, movie night, yoga, or eating right — do it. Without it, you won’t have the energy to be your best self and pull your weight in your relationship, and balance will not be achievable,” said Rogers.
Appreciation is a free gift!
And giving just a little bit of it through effective communication goes farther toward improving relationships than a store-bought item. We all know this. For example, these two simple words are so good to hear: “Thank you.” Why do many couples use them infrequently? Are we too busy? Too self-important? Too oblivious? According to William James, the great American psychologist, “The deepest principle in human nature is the craving to be appreciated.”
Become aware of the difficult things you’re not talking about.
It’s hard to address problems and issues when it comes to affairs of the heart. No matter what you’re feeling in a situation, channel the energy of your emotions so you say what you need to say in a constructive manner. In other words, say it with love, not anger.
Judging closes a door.
Judgmental opinions tend to have a lot more to do with the person doing the judging than the person being judged. The opposite of judging is compassion. When you are compassionate, you are open, connected, and more available for respectful communication with your partner. The more you see your partner compassionately, the more you will have the power to choose your response instead of just reacting. Remember that harsh criticism and judgment are erosive and counterproductive. All relationships are a work in progress. Change takes time and practice.
This one is a no-brainer — make time for your relationship.
No matter who you are or what your work is, you must nurture your relationship. Make sure you schedule time to be together, which also means shutting off all things technological and digital. Yes, I know it’s hard to unplug, but trust me, your partner will appreciate your full attention. Remember, like a garden, the more you tend to your relationship, the more it will grow.
Humility.
Isn’t it wonderful when someone is successful, but is also modest about it? A person who behaves this way values hard work and realizes it takes a supporting team to help get the job done. When it’s time for you to shine, a partner like this will be there to help you out.
According to the ‘Fruitcakes’ verse:
But the right word at the right time
May give me a little hug;
That’s the difference between lightning
And a harmless lightnin’ bug.
Jimmy is right! Hugs are such frequent and automatic gestures that their value can be overlooked. I am a hugger. I hug family, coworkers, friends, and new friends. Hugging not only boosts the recipient’s self-esteem, but the gesture assures your partner that he or she is worthy of your affection. According to The Guinness Book of World Records, on February 14, 2010, Jeff Ondash gave out 7,777 hugs. He is also the world record holder for the most hugs given in an hour, at 1,205. Top that!
The song’s Desdemona, who runs the Space Station and Bake Shop, believes the cosmic bakers took human beings out of the oven a little too early, and that explains why we are flawed. If that’s true, perhaps there’s a little bit of fruitcake in everyone one of us — all the more reason to make kindness, encouragement, support, patience, gentle reassurance, and compassion a daily practice for your relationship.
One of the core values in the human species is our enjoyment of food. If cooking is in the very foundation of being human, then working together toward that shared enjoyment of eating is in the very foundation of what establishes a human bond. Cooking together allows a couple to connect on an intimate level, to be creative and strengthen their relationship, to create a recipe for long-lasting love. It’s so much fun to mix all the ingredients and to see the cake come out nicely from the oven. But don’t forget add the most indispensable ingredient: love.
Enjoy the crumbs!
